I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
