if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize