the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
