At least make sure they are 18
Why
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
