Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize