I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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