Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
