Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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