there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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