Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize