Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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