The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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