what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
