I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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