you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
