i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
