Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
