I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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