Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
