I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
