I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
