the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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