I wish my penis had an off switch
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
