Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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