her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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