Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
