you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I wish there were birth control emojis
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
