ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
