I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
