Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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