Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
