I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
