i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize