We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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