I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
