There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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