My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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