I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
