dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
