Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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