Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
