Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
