The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
