i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
