I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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