seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
