counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
