It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
