he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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