On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
