On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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