my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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