I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh god it's open bar.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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