Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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