He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
