I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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