Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
